Does it really matter anyway?

Come here, I wanna show you something

2004-05-10T16:58:00.000-07:00

Alright already, I've moved to Typepad (finally) so come see me here and let me know what you think. I'll leave this page up as long as Blogger will allow but will be posting only on the new page.

Shanti

2004-05-10T07:28:00.000-07:00

I wish that coffee tasted even a little bit as good as the promise of its smell.

2004-05-06T18:43:00.000-07:00

I'm so disappointed. I've been blogging just over 8 months now and I still have yet to get an online stalker/admirer. Hmpf. Everyone else has one. What is it? Am I not mysterious enough? Funny enough? Attractive enough? Aloof enough? Maybe I'm boring. Sigh. What's a girl gotta do for a little pick-me-up these days?

I hate heat... and I live in Tucson Arizona... and my son plays football... and he's 7. This means I'm required to take him to practice which also means I have to sit out in the hot ass sun for 1 hour and 10 minutes. God I hate Tucson.

Although I occasionally watch Friends and enjoy it, I will be so glad when it's over. I just cannot hear about people needing Short Term Disability due to their angst over the termination of Friends episodes. I have a heart problem, the words Short Term Disability were never mentioned.. so I ask again, what's a girl gotta do?

I believe I had a panic attack last night. As I sat on the toilet, shaking, sweating, trying to breathe and calm my heart rate it occurs to me that Elvis died on the toilet. I don't want to die on a toilet. I'd rather be shot.

Yeah, weird post. Whatever

2004-05-05T17:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, WTF people?????

2004-05-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

I'm in a pretty good mood right now. I have energy, I don't feel bad (for the first time in months) and I've not once had to yell at my beautiful offspring. Oh, and I'm tired. Genuinely tired from actual physical movement. Hello life! Nice that it happens at 10:15 PM!

Nighty night

2004-05-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. Prudie,

How do you tell your male boss that you need to go home right away cause you had an unexpected visit from Auntie Flo?

Profuse thanks,
KJB

2004-05-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

Time to make the doughnuts...Today I will be making Krispy Kreme doughnuts with about 15 future juvenile delinquents. Yes folks, today is my son's 5th birthday. I over-invited for this party thinking most people wouldn't show up. I was wrong, everyone is. I feel semi bad for the fine folks at KK. haha

Coulda figured...Through anniversaries, holidays and other such events, spousal unit's railroad job never interfered. This morning two hours before we have to leave for my small son's birthday he gets a call to go out of town. That's fun explaining to the birthday boy.

A dream come true...After two years my front and back yard will be landscaped completely by Tuesday. Now I'll need some lawn furniture so I can nude sumbathe comfortably.

Good friends and good lines...A good friend and I had a chat about "the good ole times" on Friday. She said... "I remember when I was happy, it was a Tuesday."

Suddenly, I feel I will have to vomit.
Odd.

2004-04-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.

2004-04-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

..... per request, here are the wedding details. (If you're lost, please visit my post on 3/31/04 for the scrumptious details.)

*My husband said/did nothing warranting the immediate drawing of divorce papers. Although a lawyer was standing by.
*There was no dancing - by anyone strangely enough.
*The bridal party was beautiful. What a good looking group of gals.
*I realized that I like curvy woman over thin, stick like woman.
*They served Dijon Chicken, Curry Mashed potatoes and Mixed vegetables. It was ok.
*There was an open bar, need I say more?
*Because of the open bar, I was at peace with the situation.
*The happy couple will go on a cruise "somewhere warm" next month so she can get knocked up.
*I still think my shoes were the best part of the wedding.
* I wouldn't say I had fun, but it wasn't a horrible experience. When left alone, things in my mind go from bad to horrific. Real life is almost never as bad. Case and point.
*I'm glad it's over.

2004-04-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

My dog....

My dog is quite the odd character. Her name is Sadie, she looks like this and she's 3 years old. She sleeps with my oldest son and should she need to go to the bathroom at 2am, she excuses herself from his death grip and enters my cat's kingdom (the litterbox). Now, this is new behavior on her part as she used to just let loose anywhere at any given time but last night when I emptied the catbox I noticed two different sized eh, poops. One clearly the cats and the other is presumably the dogs (otherwise, someone has some serious explaining to do). Sadie also likes to stick her tongue down people's throat when they yawn. This too is new behavior. I'm starting to get concerned - should I consult a pet psychic?

~~~

My children....

Based on school tests and other specialized testing, my two children are placed at near genius levels. Fascinating. I figure I can now stop planning for their college tuitions as they should be bright enough to obtain scholarships to some of America's finest schools. I could really use a trip to the Caribbean about now.

~~~

And speaking of far off places....

I get to return to the Workplace of Happiness and Glad Tidings tomorrow. I'm thrilled. I've been stuck at home, keeping a schedule I choose, catching up on the latest TV, preparing extravagant meals, and keeping up on homely chores that suck away my weekends. All this with minimal headaches and stress. I tell ya I just dont get how people live like this ;-)

~~~

As an aside....

Marriage is an institution, if you like institutions.
Quite nicely sums up my attitude lately. Oh relax, I can bitch on my own page can't I?

~~~

2004-04-26T12:19:00.000-07:00

Suddenly 85% looks a lot more like 98.5% - y'know, statistically speaking.

Nobody knows who he is...he's a ghost...

2004-04-23T14:56:00.000-07:00

KJB's busy getting all dolled up for a night out with her old man. Some sort of wedding...I bet there'll be dancing...

Anyway, I'm JRCM. A friend of KJB. She asked me to guest blog since she's been recovering from her recent surgery and hasn't had the gumption to blog anything.

So in I step. With nothing more on my mind other than conquering childhood fears.

You know the ones I mean: the roar of thunder; the flash of lightning; the thought of going to school in your underwear; the feeling that everyone's staring at you; the realization that you're sitting all by yourself in the cafeteria; she likes him more than me.

Yeah...those. They suck.

We like to believe we grow out of them. But I guarantee you...they never go away. There's no other way I can explain a feeling of inferiority I feel when I remember a grade-schoolmate...Louis Rodriguez.

Louis was "the popular kid". He would've been "the jock" too, but his cousin George locked that one up. I was "the fat kid". Scott was "the white kid". And Tony was "the rebel".

We went through 5th, 6th, 7th, and most of 8th grade together. We were all what, today, you'd call "gifted". Or...in other words...we were all friggin' smart too.

I remember that everytime I asked a girl to a social function (birthday party, school dance, etc.) she'd turn me down and then Louis would ask her if she'd go with him and when she'd immediately get all giddy and say yes, he'd say he was already taking someone else. It was his way of making her feel a little bit of what I felt by their complete dismissal. Yeah, it was a childish and juvenile thing to do to the girls, but were were children and juveniles to boot, so what do you expect?

It was that kind of friendship that got him the freedom to kid me about my weight. It was that kind of friendship that earned him my loyalty. It was that kind of friendship that led to him hurting me more than I could have ever imagined.

It must have been his 14th birthday party. His parents were throwing a big ol' party. Being, for the most part, latchkey kids, none of us really had parents that we needed to inform about the party. They either worked, slept, or didn't care what we did with our Saturday nights. So, of course, dating was something we engaged in. (And by engaged in, I mean that I attempted...and would get shot down...but the important part was that I tried).

And for Louis' party I asked Delia Budaciezski (at least...I think that's how its spelled...it has been 19 years) to go with me to the party. It was recess and the guys had pushed me to ask since I was obviously smitten. But then, she was the prettiest girl in class, everyone was smitten.

Now, Delia not only turned me down, she turned me down hard, mean, and viscious like. She not only cast aspersions on my person, but on my parents, my family and any other thing she could think of. I didn't hear anything other than the general tone and I've got to tell you, once she started in, I saw just how ugly this "pretty girl" was.

Now aside from the fact that this has probably colored my perception of "pretty girls" ever since, at the time all it did was make me feel like crap. I knew I wouldn't be taking anyone to this party. The word of Delia's dressing down of me got around fast. Now, of course, I could only hope no one else would ask her so that she'd have to go alone too. I knew there was only a slim chance of that, but I hoped anyway.

So I show up to the party with Scott (who hadn't asked anyone at all). And we head in to Louis' house and say hello to everyone. When I ask where Louis is, someone mentions he's in the basement. I head down to wish the birthday boy a Happy Birthday.

When I get downstairs I see that the lights are out and only silhouettes can be seen cast by the big screen tv which is showing some movie or other. And the silhouettes are obviously kids making out. I stand there for a minute struggling with the voyeur we all have in us and then notice Louis' distinctive features in silhouette. I say "Happy Birthday Louis!" turn to leave and hear an unmistakable female voice say "Oh gawd...it's that fatass who tried to ask me out..."

Now, I like to think I'm a fairly level headed guy. I never got pissy with her when she was putting me and everyone related to me down. I never talked crap about her. I never did anything that deserved the venom that I got from Delia.

I said as much at that very moment. In front of a room full of teenagers who were making out. In front of one of my best friends, who I now realized was making out with Delia!

I then started in on Louis. And he, I'm sure feeling threatened in his own home, started in on me. Tore my self-esteem all to shit. And exiled me from his party.

I left...Scott came with me (earning him my loyalty from there on out). And I never really spoke to Louis again.

And like that...he's gone...

It's sophmore year of High School. And I hear through the neighborhood grapevine that something horrible has happened to Louis. He was going into a bar to buy some cigarettes. Someone had said something to him. And being the smartass he was, he came back at the guy. He was walking out to meet George in the car. George heard the gunshots and turned to see where it was coming from. What he saw was Louis falling to the ground and the gunman running off in a different direction.

...

I went to Louis' funeral. I said all the things you say when someone you cared for dies. I even remember telling George that I wished I had just one more chance to talk to him. Our principal at the time said that I still had that chance and motioned to the line where folks were waiting to pay their last respects.

At the time I remember thinking that wasn't at all what I wanted or meant. And I ended up leaving without ever having gone up to the casket. And now, I'm a little ashamed to admit that part of me was still jealous. Delia was there balling her eyes out. I guess they had continued dating. At the time, that still rankled. And so I left. Oddly enough, with Scott in tow.

And today I sit here reflecting on that story. I would love to have another chance to talk to Louis. He was a great guy. We lost a friendship because of childish things. Now we were children, so you'd think it'd be forgivable. But even now, just like all those other childish fears, I still feel inferior to him.

So when someone tells you to grow up because you're acting childish...remember to ask..."Why? How will that help?"

-KJB will be back next week!
-JRCM signing off...

2004-04-21T08:27:00.000-07:00

Noted...I will no longer hop from blog to blog while medicated making stupid, ridiculous and misspelled comments.

2004-04-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

I once had this dream about being in some sort of warped time zone where things stand still but time was moving at rapid speeds. I doubt that makes sense, but I got an odd sense of de'ja'vu all day Friday through my surgery and many hours later.

I was so scared. My hands were shaking, my stomach knotted and my heart was fluttering. I didn't cry as I gave my mom and dad a hug but as the door closed behind me I whimpered like a lost puppy to my nurse... nurse Molly. I was introduced to the team, asked to climb up on the cold hard table and looked around at the darkened space looking room. I counted 8 TV/computer screens and made a joke about sacrificing one so I could watch Days of our Lives.

Countless patches and monitors were placed on my body. IV's started, nethers were shaved, and finally I was strapped to the table. I could see a clock and it said 1:15 and I knew my parents and husband were on the other side of that door. I thought about screaming but Nurse Molly sensing my fright stroked my head and told me everything would be ok, she even pinky sweared. My cute Doctor boy came in asked how I was feeling, stroked my cheek and told me "alright hun, let's do this." Nurse Molly gave me the Versed and I remember feeling disappointed that I was still "awake" and aware.

Sometime after that things go blurry and I know I dozed in and out. The times I was awake I felt poking at the catheter sites, severe chest pressure and pain, and rapid heartbeats. I was able to talk to nurse Molly and request more pain medicine. Come to find out, cute doctor boy purposely had me fading in and out every 15 minutes - a measure of checking for strokes or something.

By the time I got to my room it was 4 something. I was able to talk to people and remember who was there but in retrospect I guess I forgot some of the details of the conversations. My mom told me the surgery was not a success. I felt immediately depressed but I was so tired I just wanted to sleep. I slept until 130am when I woke up not breathing well. A man applied oxygen to my nose and I felt better. Funny nurse boy told me to get up and walk, so he helped me and we walked the long unit together chatting about food, marriage, children, politics and work. Funny nurse boy got me my heart pillow and told me I am now "one of the few, the proud."

Morning came and so did the visitors. JRCM, "mom", and DN. It was nice to see them. They made me laugh which helped mask the fact that I felt like crying. Cute doctor boy came in, counseled me, increased my medicines, and told me to see him in a month. I was discharged shortly thereafter.

My bed never looked so good. All I wanted to do was sleep, and sleep is what I did. 4 hours of ridiculously wonderful sleep, I woke up to the sounds of my children who hovered over me asking if my heart was in pain. They hugged me tenderly, told me they loved me and allowed me to cry into their soft blonde hair. I know you're not supposed to vocalize it, but surgery inherently brings risk of death and I'd lie if I said I didn't savor the night or two before I went in praying, "dear God, let this not be the last time."

Since my arrival home I'm pretty wiped out and sore from the incisions on my legs/groin. Every now and again I get an odd new flutter in my heart but I was told to expect that since the cute doctor boy "stirred the electrical pot." I'm on my increased meds and believe that is the reason I am so wiped out. It'll be an adjustment I'm told - one that I'm resentful for having to go through.

There are other tests, other surgeries, and other medications to try apparently so the road has not been fully traveled and I don't plan on giving up my hope of being off these damn medicines so I can have a normal, active life.

I've had so much support through all this. My family, my friends, my work... people crawled out of the woodwork that I though I'd lost forever. If I sound like a hallmark commercial, forgive me but I'd like to say thank you - to all of you from the bottom of my f'd up heart. :-)

2004-04-16T05:14:00.000-07:00

Ok... so here I go. With my knotted stomach and hopeful prayers I resolve that things will be just fine - they have to be.

I'll talk to you all soon.

2004-04-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

eeesh.. I'm having heart surgery tomorrow and not all that together about it now.

2004-04-13T16:37:00.000-07:00

Memo:

I am obsessed with heart forums and heart chat online. Please send all available resources to remove any computers within a 20 mile radius.

alternately~~

Hunt down the infoholic witch and velcro, drug, mangle, give chocolate to, or whatever else you need to do to occupy this nasty bitch.

or ~~

An intervention, take down style will likely work too.

Many thanks,
KJB

2004-04-12T17:13:00.000-07:00

Thinking of you.....

Dad - Congrats... it's been a long time coming, here's to the best for you... always.
Mom - breathe, it'll all be okay.
JM - if you need to talk, you know where I am okay?
DJV - You..... Oh you. Thanks
Nnc - God bless sweetie.... I'll see you soon okay? Chin up
Shelba - thank you... really, I'm glad I found you
Work buddies (you know who you are) - Oh the conversations... haha, love them.. love you all.
Friends in the computer - Thanks for the things you don't know you do for me.
"mom" - helluva lady I look so forward to your emails.

I'm a lucky gal.... thanks for your support everyone. In the midst of my (now daily) pity parties y'all pull me up over and over. Just wanted to say thank you... with all my heart (no pun intended) ;-)

2004-04-09T16:03:00.000-07:00

Some thoughts I've had:

I was walking to my mail box and an older lady walked by me and smiled. I thought to myself, "wow, this lady looks great for her age." Then I thought, aw who am I kidding? "This lady looks good for MY age."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a friend named Jen. I also have a friend named Jenn. Can someone please tell me the deciding factor on one n versus two nn's?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I ran into this - First ever live sperm race on TV. Phillip Koch and management must have a great sense of humor to do this article. Another great line....“I’m not going to reveal who gets to the egg first but I can say it was a photo-finish with one coming from behind to win.” Coming from behind to win huh? I'd also like to know what the qualifying factors are for "Boffins at the Open University will then assess their erections and testicle size to see who is the early favourite."

Much goodness here, gotta love it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I now understand why they call it the Greenapple Quicksteps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laws of the Universe, brought to you by Krista.
*left to themselves, things will go from bad to really bad
*if everything seems to be going just fine, you've done something wrong
*a handle on life is usually broken

2004-04-06T20:30:00.000-07:00

Oh it's on... it's soooo on.

Share in my joy for a moment won't you? I'm gonna have heart surgery!!!! Wheeeeee, see now wasn't that fun?

Ok, well in all fairness it's not like I'm trying to compete with my new best friend getting all opened up, but still, I'm having my heart stroked, tickled, touched oh and fried. It goes something like this. They'll snake a bunch of tubes up my body to reach my heart then by way of drugs and electricity they will proceed to "irritate" my heart to a very unstable and rather unpleasant rhythm where as they will be "mapping" my heart to see where the problems are. At this point they will "heat up the area to burn the heart tissue" therefore destroying the miscoded electrical pathways. Wash, rinse, repeat. Over and over my handsome doctor boy will induce bad things, then fry the son of a bitch until my heart relents and finally behaves.

You're on the edge of your seat now huh? You wish you were me right? Yeahhhh I knew it.

My journey will end with a two day ICU stay where I will be pampered with copious amounts of blissful pharmaceuticals. I assume there will be lots of beeping as they track my newly reformed heart and that is not exciting as the EKG sound bleeping, beep, bomp, beat will likely have me crawling from the bed with my ever so famous Medusa eyes. I pity the nursing staff.

There is one goal I have in this and that is to get a brand new heart shaped bean bag they give to all heart patients undergoing heart surgeries. Yes, it's a sick initiation but dammit, I want one too!!!

2004-04-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

There's something that can put me in a bad mood regardless of what in life is going superb.

Cleaning toilets.

Yeah, living in a house with three boys (well ok, two boys and one husband) I get the distinct pleasure of smelling piss if I go so much as three days without mopping up dried pee. I tried to take a bath tonight but was completely overwhelmed at the odor of freshly pissed pee over dried stale pee. (a real treat I tell ya).

This is when things go south. The children and husband fade into the shadows. Phone calls abruptly stop, tv get's turned way down, and heads hang low. Yes folks, Medusa appears. So I grab my mop, toilet bowl cleaner and gloves and head to the piss pit. From there, during the next 15 minutes you will hear phrases resembling "Y'know, this is just great. Just fucking perfect. The day I don't get my urine IN the toilet is the day I should have to clean this shit up. Jeezus people, do you have a medical condition that warrants urine droplets on the shower curtain? (slam, kick, punch) You people are disgusting, I mean... How do you function in civilization?" etc etc.

The whole while I am inhaling bleach fumes that would paralyze a large elephant and the cleanser dust rivals any asthma inhaler I've ever had. Still.. I don't lose sight of the goal.

Finally, the deed of dread is complete and with that a sense of well being is returned. Phone calls resume, tv's watched, heads held high and on a particularly good day tears may be shed.

2004-03-31T14:26:00.000-07:00

As hard as I've tried, as much restraint as I've used, fate keeps tempting me to talk about this. I will warn that this may not project the positive, lighthearted, happy Krista I'd like you all to know.

And without further ado.....

Once upon a time I got married to a boy. I was 20 and so was he. (Yeah, I know already...we were only babies, so now let's move on shall we?) This boy and I had dated for two years prior to the wedding and since our nuptual event time seems to have flown by. Eight anniversaries, two children, one house and three cars later and I am still married to the guy I call my "Spousal Unit."

Now let's back up.

On the day of the above said blessed event I spent more time crying (nono, not those happy tears) than I did laughing or smiling. See, a long time ago my Spousal Unit had a crush on a girl. This girl wouldn't give him the time of day so I'm thinking he moved on (and might I add to something much better.... ME). So, all the friends and family were invited to our wedding, including this girl who shall for the remaining post be called "whore." Whore's family was close with my Spousal Unit's family so the whole gang came and gave us a surprise, their wedding gift for us was that they would kindly tape our ceremony and reception. Nice of them huh?

As weddings go, mine was really nice. Complete with a large wedding party, cute children, drunk in laws and beautiful pictures. We chose to partake in some of the more "hokey" wedding ideas namely the "dollar dance." After 20 minutes of dancing with everyone from 'Uncle Billy Bob oops I forgot to put on deodorant', to 'how cute the little three year old wants to dance', I was nearing the end of my line. I had also glimpsed over at my pour husband dancing with my Uncle's wife and her 20 inch brimmed hat. He was also nearing the finish line.

My last dance consisted of me and an old friend of ours from school. He gave me $20.00 and made me laugh throughout the entire song - almost. Just then he utters something to the effect of "Oh, shit... Kris are you ok?" I question him and then look in the direction of my new husband where I find him and the "whore" dancing incredibly sensually ( this, a man who never would so much as twirl me around ) with a video camera filming complete with hoots and hollers from the his side of the family (who by the way hate my every cell ). Uh... wow. Uh.... ummm. Uh... Well, Damn.

Yes, folks I realize this was just a dance. I realize there was no copulation. I also realize nothing THAT bad happened. However, from a newly married, sensitive about the particular whore in question, highly suspicious GIRL this hit my heart and stung. Still does in fact.

I forgot to mention. This whore was wearing a wrap skirt that oops.. came undone for a brief moment and had on a black tube top stretchy thingy. Anyone up for trying to one up the bride????

Shortly after this expose I danced with my father to "Daddy's Girl" crying like a 5 year old on his shoulder. Because of the size of the wedding we had, many people didn't see this event and my dad was one of them. I couldn't talk about it, but just continued to dance with my daddy, convinced that would be the only man who would never hurt me.

The Spousal Unit and I talked about this on our honeymoon and he saw things much differently than I. What a shock. In fact, we've talked about it (read, I cried about it) for several years after the wedding. I wouldn't even watch my wedding video due to this little hiccup. After multiple fights, apologies and more fights I thought I had let it all go.

No no, not so fast Ms. Thang.

"Whore Last Name and New Groom's Name do hereby invite you to a day of joy as friends and family unite to participate in the exchanging of vows between lovers"

Shit, here we go again. Open the floodgate someone.

First there were the invitations asking for "no children" (if I recall, wasn't she the one that brought her "isn't she the cutest little thing" niece to my wedding?) Next there came the Bridal Shower invitation (you've got to be kidding me). She states on a hand written note inside the invitation "the bride and groom requests gift certificates or cash." This, along with a few little reminders of where they registered. I checked here, and they broke two cardinal rules for proper etiquette. Trailer trash hooker.

Told ya it would get ugly.

So here I am about two weeks from the bridal shower and three weeks from the wedding and I look to you for help. Call me childish, call me an idiot, call me self conscious, in fact call me whatever you want, but this time I want the humiliation to be hers. Oh yes, I will go to the wedding. Oh yes, I will smile big and bright. Oh yes, I will talk sweetly. Yet, somehow, someway I will get even with her and that will be the source of my smiles that day.

So, who's up for some scheming? Let the celebrations begin!!!!

2004-03-29T15:30:00.000-07:00

~~~~~~~~~~~
WANTED:
Body Massage
~~~~~~~~~~~

2004-03-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

So much to say.

First things first. Michele, you're an absolute doll. I had always secretly wished someone had asked me to be their Best Friend Forever so YES YES YES, of course. You + Me = BFF!!! I have your seat in the lunchroom reserved (at the cool kids table) from here forward. I'll be sending you your very own monogrammed shirt and hair ribbons that you will need to wear in your hair.

Hmmm... so the Dr's appt that I was so scared about? Well, see... there's this small thing called insurance and well, being that the Spousal Unit got a new job we are benefit'less until April 5. So...... upon a return phone call the doc and I determined a game plan for tests and another visit to determine the need for the dreaded "S" word. Now, as I see it I have two options. Not get ill enough to require medical attention until April 5th, or get so sick I die or something. HAHAH.. oh, wait.. yeah.. not funny.

Anyway, I'm going to talk about my plans for the weekend now. Isn't that exciting?

I have another football game to attend from 11-1. In case you don't know this, I live in Tucson Arizona. Late March in Tucson Arizona in the middle of the day is similar too this, only with like flames and sparks igniting in the distance.. I await the time my son says I never did anything for him as a child.

Then the children and I will be off to Phoenix (cause we just can't get enough of the hot stuff). A little pooling, zooing and eating and we'll be back on Sunday just in time to catch the new Scooby Doo 2 flick. That will conclude my weekend-o-happiness.

Oh, my 6 year old asked me what an abortion was. Uh....... um........ Damn you CNN!

I wanted to say thank you too all the readers out there. I appreciate your support and am grateful for all the "friends in the computer" that I've made along my journey.

Today's Stream of consciousness

2004-03-24T18:57:00.000-07:00

Today sucked big time but I got a lot of work done so I guess that's makes for a sucky but productive day. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow's cardiology appointment. I think I define the double standard. If the Doc tells me I'm worse, I will be mad. If he brushes me off and tells me things are fine I might kill him. He's sooo hot. I wonder what his wife looks like. I bet he's a total tightwad. haha, wasnt he wearing orange shoes last time I saw him? The guy's gotta be pretty cool to wear orange shoes I'm thinking. Can the Valley Girl cd be any better? I'm nervous again. What if he wants to do surgery? I think I'll finally do it. Yah, right.. who am I kidding? I will totally chicken out. I have to go run errands now so why am I blogging? I should mention that the children called me last night at 10 begging to come home from their exciting "camp out". Nah.. they won't care. At least I got a few hours of Krazy Krista time. Ha, as if there is such a thing as Krazy Krista time. I'm distant. Huh? Why do people keep telling me I'm distant lately? Heh... yeah well whatever. My cat just licked my toe and I think I like it. Did that Jeremy guy even have an impression of me? I mean, yeah.. so I didn't talk, but still. What did I have to talk about what with all the penis talk, and numerous cut downs. Why do impressions matter? Why should I care? I do though. Hmm.. surely a sign of illness. I feel like doing something bad.. but fun. Likely I do nothing. Oo.. I'm getting another tattoo soon. I think I'm freaking my boss out. He says "you don't look so good" but like in the most compassionate way (I think). I seriously have to go now. I will stop blogging. Spousal Unit is yelling. I hate that. Ughhh...bye.

2004-03-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

I'm all alone. All by myself. Singular. Wow.

Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've been home alone? Here's my evening. On the drive home I prepare for my usual Hi Mommy. What's for dinner? Mommy, Tyler won't share the XBOX. Waaaahhh... Michael just hit me. Babe, what did you say was for dinner? and so on...Ok, I've got my game face on and I'm ready... sock it to me. After a brief phone call to a friend, she shows up at my door prepared to pick up some tattoo designs for our upcoming venture. As she enters, the Spousal Unit leaves to go to his study group with "Alright, I'm leaving.. and I don't know when I'll be back." Hmmm.. odd, but "OK" was my response.

As girls do, my friend and I chatted about finances, lesbianism, marriage, and children. Finally around 730 she tells my children to pack their bags as they were going to have a "camp out" at her house. ( Dear God, thank you for Nnc) Wheeeee!!! I must have done something very very right recently although I cannot remember what that would be. Too good to be true, I know my youngest will not oblige the request. But much to my dismay, I'll be damned that the kid didn't actually squeal in delight at the prospect of getting out of the house.

The world as I know it is crumbling quickly.

So here I am. Alone. I'm excited. But very confused. I've awaited this day for so long. So what should I do?

I'm totally open to suggestions.

2004-03-22T21:13:00.000-07:00

When I say shiznizzle, you say......

2004-03-22T17:04:00.000-07:00

Friday early evening I watched a scrimmage football game in the sun and got tan lines on my feet.

Saturday I went to the no kidding football game of my dear son and got tan lines on my legs and arms as well as my feet. It is with a heavy heart that I report that the "Stingers" did not win their first game, but I saw a lot of talent. Can't wait for the next three months of football viewing in the dead middle of the hot ass sun. Wheeee.

Sunday I went hiking and got tanned mostly all over my body, but my feet. We were in search of the "The potentially Naked Area" but only saw boxer shorts instead. Let me clarify, boxer shorts on skinny white teenage boys... no fun.

Today I leaped out of bed with the grace of a 95 year old crippled man. HOLY CHRIST my body hurts. There's not enough muscle relaxors in the state of Arizona that would make picking up the phone any easier of a task. And let's not even talk about sitting and standing. I've had to pee for the last 4 hours but the pain of walking is much worse than bladder cramps so I'll deal.

During my lengthened sitting period, I've decided to daydream about being here.
Anyone game for some sunning, swimming, sleeping and drinking?

2004-03-19T20:35:00.000-07:00

In these moments I hate you.... I really really do.

2004-03-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

Having a heart problem is like being a Rorschach ink blot test whereas people feel free to analyze and scrutinize the possible reasons and validity of said issue. Imparting religious beliefs, diverting to a more horrible therefore more valid story, “aww, don’t worry about it,” and plain rudeness is not what I like to consider support. Now, I’d like to address my favorite diagnostic explanation as to my “condition.”

Many insist, quite adamantly, that my problem must be ''stress.'' This is especially annoying, first, because it seems to imply that my heart issue is my fault and, second, because it seems to invalidate the reality of my symptoms, which has been confirmed by cardiac testing.

I’ll agree, based on factual information stress sometimes can boost the chances of getting some diseases, most notably the common cold. However should it be the explanation of first resort? Lots of people are far more stressed than I and yet many never get sick, lest develop a heart condition.

Support issues aside, I’ve been having more and more symptoms that may be related to my heart. I have swollen hands and feet, chest pain and difficulty breathing in addition to my “normal and typical” symptoms. Yeah, I have an appointment scheduled for later this month but in truth, I’m starting to get a little scared. CALL THE PRESS, I'm scared! I want hugs, I want consolation, I want validity, I want shoulders to cry on and I want people who care. My mom always told me that you have to ask for what you want in life “people can’t read your mind.” Well, people… this is Krista asking for support – nice to meet you.

Now granted, the people who really need to be reading this are people who don’t read my blog, or even know about my blog. I’ll broach the subject one way or another. I have to.

Fact is, I want to be able to trust my own heart again and to do that I have a lot of the hard stuff to go through (sort of walking through the ring of fire deal) before I can get there.

Heh.. Ironic how many levels of “heart health” I refer to.

2004-03-12T23:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Hair,

Please look decent mkay? I'm not asking for gorgeous locks of beauty ( although I was which is what lead me here, nevermind ) but c'mon - decent.. you can do that for me right?

Thanks bunches,
K

2004-03-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

Why make a big deal out of it? Yeah, so I'm a chronic "reader of directions".. and? See, each month I read things like the little tampon inserts. It's not that I doubt that I am inserting correctly, I just happen to read it each month on the off chance some of the information has changed. Same way with shampoo and conditioner. Wash, Rinse, Repeat... there's room for error if you ask me. No, I'm not only afflicted with this disorder (as they call it) with bathroom things alone, take the recipe for Chicken Enchilada's that I've made for about 8 years now. I read the directions each and every time. I've also kept myself pretty busy reading directions since I've purchased a new digital camera and cell phone.

Call it what you will, but my motto is better safe than sorry.

2004-03-11T15:41:00.000-07:00

So my blog stats suck. "They" say it's because I don't talk about things people want to hear about. So, I ask you... my remaining three loyal readers.... what do you want to talk about? Below you will find a list "they" generated as to the top several blogged about things and you can tell me if YOU have any interest in them.

academy awards, lost in translation, hotmail, tattoos, janet jackson, april fools, custom mini choppers, blink 182, evanescence, passion of the christ, oscars, mardi gras, new port richey, literotica, home depot, jessica simpson, year old thong pictures, fafsa, dead aim 4.0, angelina jolie, jennifer lopez, martha stewart, charlize theron, paris hilton, ebay, johnny depp, google, lord of the rings, yahoo, health, jokes, pregnancy, anime, britney spears, carmen electra, inuyasha.

**********************************************************************

Updates:

Things are progressing on the Spousal Unit's job front. Not to jinx anything I'll sum up by saying it's a good thing I didn't buy that wind shield ice scraper thingy. More on this later.

My heart has been better the last two days. I'm almost certain it was a manifestation of extreme stress. The only cure for that is a month of in Jamaica I hear. I'll be taking donations :-)

My um, intestinal issues ebb and flow (no pun intended).

The fabulous dinner I created on Sunday night (while throwing up and in between running to the bathroom) was prepared flawlessly. Even though I could have waited until Monday to do it, I think letting it sit for two days was in the benefit of flavors blending.

My job sucks. Sometimes it becomes so apparent that people have no respect and so much self centeredness it makes it hard to "just be okay." Hatred abounds.

Some interesting sayings today.. "I'd wear that like a hat" and " I'd spread butter all over that" and "yeah, no problem hun (from a man I've never met)" and "will you marry me?" and finally "I'm currently in the midst of an ass-fucking and AOL is supplying the cock."

Have a nice day y'all.

2004-03-07T09:24:00.000-07:00

I feel... ick.

Similar to getupgrrl, I too am experiencing "a case of the runs so impressive that you'd think Carl Lewis had taken up residence in my butthole." Two rolls of toilet paper in 10 hours, three showers, one grumbly tummy and I may be on the upswing of this attack. I feel like one of those fire breathing magicians, only..well not from my mouth. (too much information I know)

I've been feeling jittery for a few days. My heart is acting up again complete with all the scary symptoms. Per a trusted blood pressure machine my bp is 110/70 (yeay) and my pulse while resting is 130+ (not so yeay). Downed a couple blissful pharmaceutical aides and successfully managed to bring it down to 88 by 11pm.

Headaches. I'm not one for getting many headaches but when I do they sock it to me pretty good. I think it's migraines due to the vomiting and facial numbing but without a visit to my doc I can't know for sure. So far the only thing that helps is sleeping in a very dark, very quiet room.

I've got a busy day planned. Grocery Shopping, getting the car washed, picking up oldest son from a sleepover with grandma, making nice dinner for friends tonight and somehow cleaning my house. Ask me if I feel like doing anything that doesn't involve sweats, granny panties and masses of pillows. Go on... ask.

Then again...

2004-03-06T15:47:00.000-07:00

Eh, well I may not be moving afterall. Spousal Unit got another job offer that would keep us here in Tucson. It's a great opportunity and one in which he's tried for several times. Wow... helluva way to get woken up.

"Hi this is Pat, is Steven home?"
No (thinking in my head she's a loon for calling at 6:30am on a Saturday) can I leave a message?
"Is this his wife?"
Yes (isn't this the question that the 'other woman' asks in the movies?)
"I am calling to offer Steven a job with Company XYZ"
Oh, um OK (here comes the tidal wave of emotion)
"If he's still interested training will start on the 22nd of this month and he'll need to make a decision by Monday morning, I'll give you my information if you can have him phone me."

This marks the 432nd time in three months our lives have taken a new "thought to be" direction. Damn... it's exhausting after a while. I began to cry heavily for reasons I'm still unsure about. Relief? Disappointment? Concern? Fear?

After three pages of Pro's and Con's Spousal Unit and I are in a deadlock. Unsure of what to do with the two excellent possibilities that lie ahead. I'll be anxious to see how this all pans out early this next week. I'm all buckled in and ready for the next ride.

Jumping on the bandwagon

2004-03-03T18:58:00.000-07:00

Just like Helen, Fish and Mollie I too may be on the move. My Spousal Unit got a verbal job offer today but the realist/pessimist in me is leaning away from 'feeling' the "I'm gonna move" part. Likely by weeks end the deal will be signed and sealed but until then the possibility just doesn't seem real. Plus, the move likely wouldn't be for another 6 months or so.

As a girl who's NEVER moved from her birthtown this is beyond emotional and scary, yet exciting and necessary for reasons I won't go into. The last few weeks I've not been able to sleep as I teeter totter the pro's and con's of said move.

Pro's:
*get's me the hell away from angry in law's and drama ridden extended family on Spousal Unit's side. This would be reason #1-100
*fresh start, however naive the notion, a new beginning may be just what I need for myself and family
*the opportunities that await
*midwestern home ownership complete with fertile lawns and large trees to hang tire swings upon
*I've been told Kansas is a "great place to raise children"
*forces Spousal Unit and I into a make it or break it mentality regarding the emotional aspect of our relationship
*the visits home and the appreciation for time with my family and old friends
*a challenge - personally, professionally, physically, emotionally
*telling my job to "Eff off, find another slave"
*I'll experience all four seasons - for a change
*Spousal Unit will make more money and stay with a great and rather powerful company.
*I may not have to work for a year or so

Cons:
*leaving my parents/brother
*being away if/when someone "backhome" is sick or needs surgery.
*leaving 28 years of familiarity
*leaving some friends
*seeing my kids hurt as they may not understand why we are moving from all they've known
*leaving a great school district
*I'll surely miss the awesome monsoons
*Snow.. although I will like it at first I hear shoveling the driveway get's old real quick

Just off the top of my head that's the laundry list. The people that will be missed will be missed in ways I can only imagine. I'm not sure I know how big the hole may be from their absence in my daily life. That scares the crap out of me. However, as you can see the Pro's outnumber the Con's and that my readership is how decisions are born.

From my f'd up heart to yours

2004-03-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow my good friend Michele will undergo open heart surgery complete with transformation from human girl to bionic super human "don't F with me" woman. May this be the springboard in helping all your dreams come true.

You've got my phone number and I'm here... anytime. I'll be waiting with clasped hands and baited breath for your healthy return. Oh yeah, and enjoy those bee-u-tiful drugs... I fully expect some drug induced humor with your return.

My best to you dear friend.

2004-02-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

I was depressed. That much I know for sure. I don't remember a lot about that time period other than that - I was depressed. My parents offered up a trip for me to go see a friend in Texas. It sounded nice just to get away so away I went on a plane just a few days later.

It was a Thursday around noon when the plane landed in El Paso. The plane ride itself had been worth the initiative it took for me to get up and get dressed in the morning. I flew out on a little tiny prop plane where the in flight beverages were served in a Styrofoam cooler that the pilot slid down the aisle. Either by lack of attention or lack of care the curtain separating the cockpit from the passengers was not closed. I could see and hear the pilots talking about the wild night they had in Denver the evening before, complete with strippers, alcohol and sex. You'd be surprised at how few times the pilots actually looked in front of them or checked the control panel.

I was met by my friend and her sister (with whom we'd be staying). After I obtained my luggage we took the 45 minute road trip to the base where they were living. Fort Bliss. El Paso was ugly, seemed dirty and appeared to lack any aspect of "coolness" whatsoever. Eh, at least I could hang out at the pool. I wrapped up my Thursday night playing a game of Uno with a few friends of the homeowner then retired to bed.

Friday J had the idea that we would get uber tanned by spending 8 hours at the base pool. Seemed like a good idea when you're 18 and the only thing that matters is having a kick ass tan. About four hours later J and I felt like throwing up inside the garbage can of the life guard station. We spent the next four hours blotting each other off with wet paper towels until her sister arrived. The rest of Friday was trashed as a result of Sun poisoning.

J (having been there for about a month at this point) had met a resident doctor who called to invite us "clubbing" in Juarez at Club 101 on Saturday night. I hadn't packed anything for THAT type of fun so I raided her sister's closet and looked mighty fine in a pair of tight black jeans with a shimmering tank top to show off that tan. Being 18 I was unsure how we were going to gain access to a drinking club but the Doc said not to worry about it. At 830 the doctor and his doctor friend picked J and I up in a mighty fine automobile. We went to dinner, somewhere I don't remember then headed out to the club. Just like the Doc said we had no problems bypassing the large line of dressed up pimps and ho's.

I headed to the bar and made friends with the cutie pie bartender who gave me all my drinks for free. My date become disenchanted with me since I was paying more attention to the bartender. After about 5 or 6 Sex on the Beach beverages I headed to the dance floor where I twisted and turned my way into the arms of a 30 something handsome man. We danced and drank and drank and danced. (things are real fuzzy now) After I ditch the 30 something guy I head back to the bar and demanded the bartender dance with me. We danced along side an older couple (50 something I'd guess) who had found their youth with some too tight clothing and a bottle of Jack. I remember looking at them thinking "that's right, you go.... no shame" while everyone else was laughing at them. I wanted to be that carefree when I was their age.

At 2:00am my friend and the doctor guy told me we had to go. I left, along with the Club 101 t-shirt off the bartenders back. No words, no phone numbers and ironically enough no kiss or hug. It was like out of a movie... we walked down silent, dark and scary alleys to the parked car as the bartender screams to me "Hey, I don't even know your name, come back."

J wanted to spend the night at her newfound friends house but I was uncomfortable with it. After a fight between her and I, we arrived at his Ikea studded bachelor pad where I promptly fell asleep in the ever so attractive sprawled out drooling position. It occurs to me now that I could have been raped or worse but lucky for me, nothing so much as a hug happened without my consent that whole evening.

I awoke to J shaking me madly saying (read screaming) "You're gonna miss your plane, we gotta go!" After a handshake and a smile we headed out to the car where we insisted the Doctor drive us home. Just in time for me to get my suitcase (left my souvenir shirt on accident ) I get to the airport just as they announced the final boarding call for my flight. About an hour later I am greeted by my dad at the Tucson airport with a smile and a hug.

2004-02-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

To the man coming out of the restroom today at 11:02am,

Please button/zip your fly BEFORE exiting the restroom. Your stage performance of Free Willy wasn't impressive.

Regards idiot,
K

2004-02-23T16:46:00.000-07:00

Where are my blog manners?
Welcome... those of you who searched for....

pointy bicuspids
nyquil "tylenol pm" difference
does it really matter, huh?
sensory - motor emeagram
dykes and trucks fun
mounds of caulking
anal gland knee high socks

Please come back soon. FREAK

2004-02-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

Hanging your hopes on just one star is dangerous.
Back to the drawing board I s'pose.

2004-02-19T17:16:00.000-07:00

Standing on the brink of change. It's an interesting thought - I mean, aren't we always hanging out on that edge? Somedays the depths of the change are crystal clear and other days it's foggy and doesn't look so scary. Today, instead of backing away from the edge I stand there and marvel at the massive scale of opportunity. Not in a mushy gushy hallmark sort of way, but in a wow, where to begin? What is all that? Mainly I reference the emotional part of me.

I am in a constant state of exploration about myself. I try to be honest, if not with everyone around me, at least to myself. I have a good sense of what I will and won't do when push comes to shove. That doesn't minimize the fact that I still have gaping holes in my soul and in my heart. Some I likely will never fill. Others I know I will. I have good people in my life. People who care about me, who take time to talk with me, who listen to me. Sometimes it's those same people who then turn around to judge me for a perceived lack of action or movement in a particular area. I am not okay with feelings of judgment when I am the first person who raises her hand saying,"Hi, I'm Krista... I don't know it all and I'm rather broken." Why is there a constant effort to drill that fact home time after time? I KNOW ALREADY, but what YOU don't know is what is happening behind the scenes. In my head, in my heart, in my soul. Are you to blame? Nah... I wouldnt be so foolish as they are my thoughts and you cant be held responsible for them. Am I to blame? Nah... we're all human and trying the best we can with what we have.

I've been told in no uncertain terms this week that I am a selfish person with regard to friendship. At first I was really hurt and slightly angry at the thought. Now, I'm simply feeling misunderstood. Everything I've tried to overt and step around so gently has come back to slap me along side the face. Being understanding, playing the counselor as I try to weed through information, allowing the doormat side of my personality to overcome the bitch that I can be (and sometimes should be) has done nothing but turn around and hurt others as well as ultimately hurting myself. Let me caveat again for those of you taking defense.. I am not perfect, yes I've done things wrong, I am not above my own criticisms.

Life can be hard people, do you or I really deserve condemnation for things gone awry? You don't learn by saying to someone "LEARN THIS NOW," you learn by supporting each other. When you have the true support of loved ones it won't matter how bad the perceived failure is, they'll be there to love you - regardless. When a big win comes your way, these people are the ones in your corner clapping wildly without fail.

2004-02-18T13:53:00.000-07:00

Just because you're running around, doesn't mean you're not running around in circles

another pic from my friend...

2004-02-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

enjoy!

my friend's painting of the buddha...

2004-02-17T11:50:00.000-07:00

cool colors!
(he posted it here as a birthday present to me...) :)

2004-02-16T16:56:00.000-07:00

It's less than three weeks from my birthday and I'd like to break a tradtion of discouraging gift giving. No longer will the phrases 1) nothing 2)aw, don't worry about it or 3) gee, I've not even thought about it come out of my mouth when asked "what do you want for your birthday?" Similarly, 1) that's ok 2) no worries 3) I hadn't even realized 4) it wasn't important or 5) I understand be said to the "Oh my, I forgot" or "Why didn't you remind me?" or lastly when nothing was said at all.

In light of said changes, I will present a few gifts that I would find simply spectacular.

* I'd really like one of these... terra-cotta, blue, green, red... heck, any color would make me jump for joy
* I've had my eye on this for a long time. I have the perfect spot in my yard.
* A weekend here complete with meditation, massage, good eating and sleeping is a dream of mine

OK, getting serious now........

* I had this, but it was loaned to a "friend" and never got it back, I LOVE this movie
* These movies too. Again, I need to stop loaning things out.
* Sex in the City DVD's... All of the seasons needed.
* You can never have enough chocolate I've only been able to find these at a Dallas airport.
* A real treat
* I'd love to be able to add this to my collection. My brother had all the books, but has since ditched them all.
* Anything MAC

Y'know, or anything that you'd prefer. ;-)

2004-02-13T19:46:00.000-07:00

I finally did it. The thing I have been TRYING to do for at least two years. It wasn't what I had imagined, but it wasn't bad. Providing I can figure out how to post a picture to my blog, I will be glad to fill you in on all details. Hmph, not bad Krista, not bad at all.

2004-02-11T17:12:00.000-07:00

Today, I've run into my fair share of unusually happy people. An example? Oh, alright.

"Hi my name is Krista LastName and I'm calling about a question I had on my car insurance bill?"
Well, good morning Krista, how are you?
"Good thanks"
Great (sounded more like greaaaaaat, included with a flip of the hair I'd assume), well let me just find your file. Oh looky here. Are you related to a Scott LastName?
"Uh, yeah, well.. by means of my husband."
Oh goody goody (she seriously said this), I've been meaning to call you on this for some time. See, in getting an insurance quote for a customer in California as conversation just happened (giggle giggle) to start up about Scott. I told her that you and your husband are my clients (can you say breach of confidentiality) and that I'd be glad to pass along any message - oh dear, I do hope you didn't mind.
"A message? What's the message?"
Well, Cindy, his former finance wanted me to tell you hi, give the kids a kiss from her and to give Scott a message asking him to call her. hahahah She told me the whole story. So... tell me Krista, is Scott married?
"Hey listen, I'm going to have to chat later, I forgot about a meeting I had to be at."

Daffy broad

********************************************************************************

"Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol, but thankfully, yours aren't that kind."

2004-02-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

Jezebel779: is it sad that I find myself attracted to "splinter cell's" character? ;-)
AzHomolad: LOL, which one ?
Jezebel779: Sam Fisher
Jezebel779: Oh, and Max Payne... love him too
AzHomolad: So, you want max payne ?
Jezebel779: haha.. hard to tell, I never can see his face. But the leather jacket, black pants.... dark look really gets me going. But, in light of him losing his wife and all.. He'd likely have no interest.
Jezebel779: geezus.. I've played this game far too much
AzHomolad: LOL
Jezebel779: but I do have to say that I admire his stamina to just keep running and running after all his recent emotional turmoil.
AzHomolad: LOL, you are a freak.
Jezebel779: haha... um, yeah.
Jezebel779: do you think it's possible that I analyze the introspection of this game too much?
Jezebel779: I'm thinking that was never the intention of the game
AzHomolad: I think it's fabulous that you know the back story so well, that you can make complex judgements on his character. Yet you just admire his character rather than calling the inconsistancies (i.e. why he's not greiving for his lost wife) into question.
Jezebel779: hahahaha..... I have no words
Jezebel779: seriously, must_stop_laughing_...cant pee on computer chair
AzHomolad: LOL
Jezebel779: This is not the type of identity crisis I thought I'd be having at this age
AzHomolad: LOL

2004-02-08T09:12:00.000-07:00

Dutch: geslacht, French: sexe, German: geschlecht, Italian: sesso, Russian: cekc, Spanish: sexo

action, bang, breed, cohabit, coitus, conjugate, copulation, couple, fooling around, fornication, have coition, have relations, hump, intimacy, lay, make it, make love, make out, mate, nookie, relations, screw, sexual relations, sleep together, sleep with, unite

sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex

There are so many ways to say it, but it all boils down to one thing.
SEX!

2004-02-06T16:39:00.000-07:00

This is English right?
Raise your hand if you understand what I am saying, cause I'm not convinced people are hearing me today.

2004-02-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

Go ahead and cry now, just give in to the madness. The only way to feel your joy is first to feel the sadness. You're a long way from somewhere you call home. There's a place in your heart, you're not alone.

Go ahead and listen, just give in to the voices. You think you're backed into a corner but you've got so many choices. You're a long way from someplace you feel safe. Your peace of mind comes from just one place.

All of the happiness you seek, all of the joy for which you pray, is closer than you think...it's just a hundred tears away.

2004-02-03T21:03:00.000-07:00

Blessed are the days without anxiety.

2004-02-02T16:50:00.000-07:00

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

2004-02-01T05:10:00.000-07:00

There's just something about the ole 4am hour. Perhaps it could be my prior life had something to do with Berlin's downfall in 1945 or that I used to partake in the 4am witching hour spells - I'm not sure. Regardless, here I sit morning after morning unable to sleep. It's not that I'm not tired, but my body goes through physical changes that prevent me from resting peacefully. The headaches (oh god, the headaches), the stomach churning away, the achy bones and the conscious mind all serve together to keep me wide awake until about 6am when a sense of sleepiness and comfort pass over me. Blissful pharmaceuticals that were taken last night cannot keep me asleep through this two hour period. Breathe right strips, warm milk (disgusting), sleep aides, meditation, exhaustion, illness, etc and I can't sleep a whole night's sleep. This goes beyond irritation for me. I wonder what is suffering as a result of my sleepless nights.

*******************************************************

About my weekend so far....

Took my son to his first Tackle Football meeting. Oh my, what a grown up with his pads, helmut and jockey strap (hehe).

Went bowling with kids, hubby, dad and bro. We bowled right along two set's of obnoxious teens who screeched and yelped anytime one or more pins were hit. In effort to plow that pesky 10 pin I positioned myself to the far left of the lane where I ever so gracefully fell while trying to slide in a sticky spot of ickiness. Yes, I fell. In front of everyone right there on lane #5. My knee still talks about it.

Went to TTT for a bite to eat where I witnessed an older woman (70's or so) spend at least 20 minutes trying to make sense with the waitress about the "style" of chicken she wanted with her brussel sprouts. I hope they tipped their waitress well for putting up with that. Also served as a reminder that I don't want to get old.

Toured the Gem and Mineral Show and fell in love with a few rarities that were WAY out of my ballpark. I plan to go back if I'm able to squander some time away from the family.

I burned a cd of Jessica Simpson, Justin Timberlake, Jennifer Lopez, and Britney Spears for when I get in the "I'm reliving my teen years" mood. Oh, and it serves as great workout music for those rainy days.

Now, I suppose I'll go watch Postcards from the Edge. Happy Sunday y'all.

2004-01-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

I went to the grocery store for a Friday croissant and iced tea like I do most Friday's. After selecting the largest buttery croissant I could find, I proceed to the Deli to get my iced tea. There were three employees who all refused to look up to notice that a customer was waiting. Busy doing their "morning chores" I assume, they look upon me as a bother and upset to their routine. I stood there for at least 6 minutes while they all busied themselves pretending not to notice I was there. God I was uncomfortable. It was like a pathetic race of who would finally buckle and help me with my grocery needs first - there was a noticeable tension in the air. Finally the Deli manager came in from the back and asked if I needed something. The three employees plastered on their "oh, I didn't know you were there" look while the manager proceeded to get my tea and take my money. If you're in the service industry, SERVICE ME DAMMIT. I so hope they get a "talking to" for pulling that crap.

2004-01-28T22:19:00.000-07:00

Please keep every available appendage crossed for me.... just trust me.

2004-01-27T05:11:00.000-07:00

am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
in your reverie - a perfect girl
your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
all your expectations bury me

Sarah

2004-01-25T23:04:00.000-07:00

I had a child's birthday party to go to over the weekend that involved my Spousal Unit's family. Those of you who know me or happened to read December 9th's post, knows I was likely in a better mood undergoing each of my two root canals than attending this jovial event. The Hog Humping Shrew sister in law to be tells me "Oh, you cut your hair huh?" Now, please reference my October 1st post. Self absorbed stupid bitch. I've seen her at least 12 times since I cut almost 6 inches off my hair and she notices 3.5 months later? She then proceeds to ask me if I am dieting. I tell her no, and ask why. She states "Oh, I just assumed you would be is all." Good lord!! I've been working my ass off the last three months and been somewhat successful in losing inches/sizes and she skirts around the subject, ever so careful not to compliment me. Bitch!

My weekend pretty much sucked.
I've not been able to sleep without blissful pharmaceutical aides.
My son's are likely getting sick - yes, again.
My heart has been hurting.
My stomach is tied in knots.
I can't eat meat/chicken products without gagging.
I watched no TV this weekend - therefore I am feeling disconnected.
I haven't exercised since last Thursday.
Fights galore.

Seriously, I really really need a vacation.

2004-01-25T22:41:00.000-07:00

A - Able
B - Beauty
C - Careful
D - Dream
E - Elite
F - Fantastic
G - Gifted
H - Heaven
I - Intuition
J - Jovial
K - Kids
L - Love
M - Moving
N - New
O - Old
P - Patient
Q - Quick
R - Real
S - Stunning
T - Tease
U - Ultra
V - Venom
W - Wicked
X - XX Chromosome
Y - Yes
Z - Zeal

2004-01-23T20:46:00.000-07:00

Stop!! Enough already!!!

2004-01-22T17:16:00.000-07:00

Intentions are an interesting thing to have. Bad or good and lately I've had quite a few of the latter, only to result in blank stares, mainly to trees but other such objects such as computer screens, walls or carpet. Disaster is when intention meets linear time just a moment too late. This has been my fate over the last couple months. I must clarify that disaster doesn't imply tornado or hurricane but the magnitude of what happens to the emotional self is that of disastrous result.

I've felt the cumulative result of a good intention that didn't pan out in time and it isn't pretty. The fall out leaves a quake of broken souls and shattered hearts. The question becomes, why didn't it pan out? Hell, I don't know. Laziness, lack of ultimate desire, time, money, or any number of other excuses. But, excuses they are.

I should have some insight here... maybe a nifty wrap up but I don't have one. I've just learned HOW to identify the problem, not HOW to resolve it.

More later I'd bet...

2004-01-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

Riddle for ya:

What happens when an overworked, master of martyr'ness, crabby ass'd, finicky, tired man tries to open a box of mac and cheese?

give up?

Answer:
The box becomes the primary target for all cuss words and get's subjected to a cruel and unusual ass kicking. Totally deserved I bet, I mean afterall - the box was just sitting there.

**********************************************************

Oh holy night of loveliness and peace. NOT !!
From 6:00 when I walked through the front door until moments ago I've heard few words that didn't have the words F*ck, Sh*t, and A**hole attached. Now, I'm all about people having a bad day and needing to express it but jeez, flipping out over mac and cheese is crossing the line Mkay? After the mac and cheese exchange I started laughing. I thought I was only laughing inside but apparently the giggling sounds emanated from my wide open mouth. SU then directs his anger away from the brightly colored box and straight into me. Hell yes, I'm in a fantastic mood.. bring it on cowboy! A few childish interactions later and we're no longer speaking. Will wonders never cease?

So here I am at the trusty computer of happiness while Spousal Unit unwinds with a light hearted flick called IN HELL, staring Jean-Claude Van Damme. Suddenly the song Margaritaville pops into my head and I visualize myself on a warm island coast under a palm tree. Ahhhhh.... away with this nonsense.. hello cabana boy!

I need a vacation!

2004-01-21T16:20:00.000-07:00

I started my blog just over four months ago as a way to channel my random thoughts into a workable format that I could edit and share as deemed appropriate. In reviewing some of my entries it occurs to me that I've not hit very many "personal" topics. You, the readership really have very little knowledge of my day to day, personal feelings or stances regarding this or that "hot" topic. I'm afraid, I've played to my audience a bit. I'm uncertain what this blog would be about if I actually shared my inner most thoughts, secrets, desires and actions. Wait.. Before you assume the worst, I'm not planning an "in your face" candid look at "Krista and her secrets" type post. That's just.. not my style. But, here forward my tendencies to pour pink paint over a certain topic so as not to stand out too boldly will be worked on and likely changed. Just wanted this little caveat as a "hey, I warned you" for any future gruesome, over the top, or left field post I may write.

And now.. back to the originally scheduled program. :-)

I've been thinking (read: obsessing) over my weight issues lately. One of my earliest memories is of me in a Catholic School Uniform, the middle of the day in art class at age 9, comparing my thighs to thighs of my friend Veronica. Veronica was a tom-boy who aced sports and fit in nicely among the boys in our school. I've never had the athletic build - always considered myself having more of a curvy look. The way Veronica's uniform draped over her stick like figure made me super jealous. Even at 9, I was not a stick. Not fat or chubby, but not a stick. Oh how I wanted to be a stick.

Know what? Screw sticks!!! I'm not meant to be a stick. Let me clarify by saying that I no longer want to be a stick but something along the lines of Catherine or Salma would be great y'know? But I analyze what it would in fact take to get to look like the beauty's of Hollywood and I just don't know that I am prepared for that kind of sacrifice. The reason the woman in Hollywood can look so wonderful is because they have the money which equals time in the form of babysitting, nannies, in home gym equipment and chef's. The average person to have a not so average body takes lots of time, time that I as a working mom with two youngsters don't have. That however is not an excuse not to learn better eating habits, forming a routine of exercise etc. So, that is what my goals are. Not to obtain the body of a lifetime, but to do the best I can with the resources I have available to me at this time in my life. And you know what? There are worse things in this life than enjoying a HUGE ASS Mexican dinner.

2004-01-20T11:57:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to blog on this topic for some time now. Listen up. School Crossing Guards have changed. When I went to school we had crossing guards that looked like this or that but my son has the pleasure of getting safely across the street with her help. What happened to the semi retired yet still interested in doing a good deeds crossing guards? There are two rotating guards at my sons school who dress in Vogue attire complete with fashionable four inch heeled boots. I've logged onto school sites galore, looking to see why these fashionably chic woman would want to work as a crossing guard and I have yet to find the "real" reason. Could it be the 10 hours per week? Could it be the $12.00 per hour?

I'm at a loss here...

2004-01-17T18:28:00.000-07:00

It's time.
I feel it.
Is it here?
I will check.
I report, it is not... not yet.
And now?
Is it here?
Twice checked.
Not yet.
And yet?
Almost.
But still not yet.

Sigh... so I will wait. And wait. And wait.

2004-01-14T23:00:00.000-07:00

what delightful beings, earlobes and all.

2004-01-14T11:29:00.000-07:00

The blog undergoes a massive facelift. Thanks to JRCM for helping decode the HTML. I guess HTML doesn't stand for How The Mother of Lord does this thing work? ;-)

Happy Reading... Enjoy!

2004-01-13T20:17:00.000-07:00

I just got out of a long bath.. well, it seemed like forever but alas it was only 15 minutes or so before my son barged in the bathroom asking "what are you doing?" as I lay there somber and still in the darkness of my bathroom.

I got a visual of what I am feeling lately. Picture a large pool with stairs on the shallow end and a large slide at the other end. If my emotions are represented by the mass of water see me now tour the edge of the pool, even climb onto the slide for a different perspective. Occasionally I will go into the shallow end and wade around walking slowly. Although the goal and intention is to do laps within the pool, I can't seem to start myself off on that first lap. Sounds stupid eh? Well, it was all clear to me in the bath.

I've tried inducing the tidal wave of emotions locked somewhere deep within by touring the "ahh, back then," the old memories of 'good ole times' and times of ease. Know what? Yeah, those are all sufficient and mostly beautiful times but I start questioning the validity of "beautiful and perfect" dream states. Christ... if back then and old memories were so wonderful why could I never wait to grow up, to get out, to just not be there? So that leads me to the age old question, is good really good and is bad really bad and how do you know the difference?

Over the last many years I've studied various aspects of the different principles of religion and spirituality and they all boil down to one thought (as I interpret anyway). "You make your own luck, fortune and reality." Good Lord Almighty. Where that once was a comforting statement I find myself shaking to the bone full of responsibility of what's not ok in my life currently.

So,if I can't tell the difference between good and bad, then what I am essentially doing is telling myself stories just to survive and live in my everyday life. My happiness and unhappiness hinges on whether I am "up for the game" of telling wild, imaginative stories. When things are good or status quo I convince myself that whatever lurks around the corner masking itself as good is really THE thing. The best that it gets, the best I get, the best I deserve. Likewise when things are bad, maybe they aren't really THAT bad and the evil that torments me is nothing more than a blown out of proportion irritation. I question things like that... always.

I conclude that I am either A) not really grasping the sense of spirituality I claim to know so well B) have TONS more work to do in this area C) am mentally ill D) severely tired and coming down with brain altering illness or E) a spiritual enlightened master that you all have the loveliness of knowing.

Over the past 3 years I have changed soooo much. The core things about me still remain. I am still (and likely always will be) anxious, anal, friendly, interested, and well intentioned. What has changed about me is my day to day. I have no interest anymore in playing charades. No interest in appeasing everyone else at the sacrifice for my own sanity and self preservation. I read an article the other day that asks the question... why do we (as humans) fight our natural urges and instincts while trying to write it off to "I'm bettering myself, look I have self control." Fact is, I really don't like most children for long periods of time. Fact is, I'm not the most giving friend in the world. Fact is, I tend to be somewhat lazy. Fact is, I love soo deeply it cripples. Fact is, I am scared beyond my wildest dream. Fact is, my tolerance level for stupidity and arrogance is running on empty. I guess, I am realizing that I have very little capacity for the fluff anymore.

I feel like I'm rambling.... it's okay, cause I wasn't planning to enter any essay contest with this entry anyway. For those of you still with me I release you now to go back to your other lighthearted blogs and funny web sites. I'll be better able to write of grand cheer some other day.

G'night one, G'night all.

2004-01-12T16:32:00.000-07:00

I have much to learn from my cold and austere brethren.

2004-01-11T16:56:00.000-07:00

Person 1: What's wrong?
Main Character: Nothing

minutes later

Person 2: You're mad at me huh?
Main Character: Nope

about an hour later

Person 3: You're in a bad mood huh?
Main Character: No

later that same day

Main Character (to someone on the phone): No I'm not... why does everyone keep saying that?

I think the lesson here is, WE'RE NOT STUPID Y'KNOW? Unless, of course WE are all wrong and WE'RE the ones actually having the moody day. What do you suppose the chances of that are?

2004-01-09T13:39:00.000-07:00

Ok well my New's Links work, thanks to my readership for not letting me know there was fifty trilllion http:// in the address.

2004-01-09T13:17:00.000-07:00

Hey you know... it really works. You can hear a smile through the phone. :-)

The incredible, edible egg.

2004-01-07T22:22:00.000-07:00

Oh sure, it all started out innocently enough.

Kids and Partner Unit went to the store earlier in the day and bought brownie mix. Kids wanted brownies, but that was contigent on their GOOD behavior for the remaining evening. Bedtime came, attitudes abound. Off to bed they go as I tell them brownies will be for another day. Partner Unit was not thrilled at my agreeing to make brownies in the first place if I was "just going to go back on my word." (boring part of the movie I know, but a must to get the full scope of the story)

PU: I thought you said we'd make brownies tonight
Me: Uh-huh, but the kids aren't behaving.. they can do without tonight. Plus, I'm tired.
PU: Whatever, guess I'll have to make the brownies for them then.
Me: I guess. Although it's not like they NEED brownies made since they're already in bed.
PU: Well, I'm just not okay with you saying one thing then doing another.
Me: Well, the kids promised to behave - they didn't. I said I'd make brownies - I didn't. Life Sucks eh?
PU: Oh yeah, real nice attitude.
Me: Whatever, if you insist on making the brownies go for it, but I'm going to bed. Oh yeah, you also forgot to check the ingredients you'll need and we're out of eggs.
PU: (yelling) WTF Kris, why don't we have any eggs?
Me: You're not seriously yelling at me over eggs are you? I must have forgot that I am to have fresh eggs in this house at all times.
PU: Aha (pulls open the fridge to reveal 3 eggs). We do have eggs. (condescending as hell)
Me: Uh huh, now look at the date you dumbass.
PU: Why the hell do we have no good eggs in our fridge. A whole fridge of food and all of it is out of date.
Me: (pulls open fridge) Oh, let's see.. I see Milk, it's good. I see cheese, it's good too. Oh look I also see lunch meat.. it appears to be good to. Get a grip (Partner Unit's name)
PU: Throws out choice cuss words and stomps off to the store (at 10:00 at night) presumably for eggs.

Meanwhile I wait (in bed) and I'll be damned if he didn't go to the store to get eggs for the said brownies. Good lord, is it me or was that argument just not at all warranted? GET A GRIP MAN.

2004-01-07T21:59:00.000-07:00

Dear everyone I was trying to be nice to at (local grocery store chain) in the RR area of Tucson,

I said Hi to you cause you looked like you were having a bad night. I'm certain you heard me but you chose not to respond.

The one that cut me off with his cart - no big deal, but "oops, I'm sorry" goes a long way.

Magazine isle lady... you smelled, really really bad but I pretended not to notice as I didn't want to embarrass you.

Guy with the butter question. I really don't know what's better in mashed potatoes. Butter, Margarine, Imitation.. it's all the same to me.

Pretty lady who checked me out.... you're nice ... very nice.... usually. What's up with the attitude tonight?

Baggage guy... Smile k?

Anyone else that I forgot... I hope you're having a better night.

Sincerely,
KJB

Psych 101 taught me ....

2004-01-04T00:54:00.000-07:00

I got some new clothes this weekend. Boy, what a process. Now, I’ve never been one for endless hours of clothing shopping but hey, I am a girl and girls inherently like to shop right? NO… I repeat HELL NO. So, when my beloved mother gave me a clothing gift certificate I decided I should probably get clothes that don’t make me look like I am forever going to see Aerosmith in concert.

So.. with plan in hand and a good friend by my side I hit the malls. Four hours later I walked in my door with a bag full of clothes. Jumping Jesus Christ on a Popsicle Stick was I happy. Finally! I shouldn’t have to deal with this again until summer.

These new clothes also got me in the mood to purge my closet. Once I started, there was NO stopping me. After three hours my closet went from a combo of highschool 80’s, hand me down, “dear god let me get back into this size,” what was I thinking when I bought this?, my mothers old polyester, torn and ripped closet to a closet where you will find only things that fit and only things I like. I got rid of over 200 individual articles of clothes and a whole trashbag full of old undies and bra’s. Ahhhhhhhh I feel… all new inside.

Looking back on this ordeal ( leave it to me to make THIS an ordeal) I’ve come to realize I followed some interesting behaviors. Behaviors I’ve studied in college. Hmmph. Go figure.

Denial
”There’s just no clothes in these places. Nothing fits me. I am NOT that size.”

Anger
Reference post dated December 22.

Bargaining
”Ok, can I just get a couple of new outfits that make me look good? Please? I’ve been working out.. c’mon, don’t I deserve to fit into these jeans?”

Depression
”Screw it… I don’t need clothes anyway.”

Acceptance
Alright, I will go to the store and try again. Take my time, get a game plan, get a friend and I will find something (in the right size)

2004-01-01T15:34:00.000-07:00

I had a very long chat with my Spousal Unit last night. See, ever since about a month ago I've been unable to hide my anger when it comes to his unhinged, unbalanced family. Lately, over the past few days I've noticed my Spousal Unit nearing his anger threshold when dealing with his family as well. I've tried not to take advantage of the wide open ability to take every stab I can at his family but rather allowed HIM to spew forth cuss words of goodness shot in their direction. Last night however, we talked about the bullshit we go through when dealing with his family.

He started the talk by expressing his anger over the last incident of his mother bashing my 6 year old to pieces with her 3rd grade like mentality and speech. "Fat tub of lard" is used on a playground if memory serves right, not from a late 40's cynical, bitter woman. I've since been dealing with on and off again rememberings of this event from my 6 year old. He mentions dieting, wanting to aerobicize, displays defeat when confronted with challenging activities, and the tears and look of sadness have been far too present in his eyes. Whoa... sorry, my tangent. Ok, so my Spousal Unit almost breaks down when he says "I would walk to the ends of the earth for my boys, they don't deserve to have grandparents who are hurtful." In that moment, I've felt so much camaraderie with him... a feeling I've rarely shared with him regarding our children. I knew at that point the doors of communication (on this topic) were open.

I find myself crying when I recall some of the more hurtful things his family has said/done. His mother likes to play me against my mom. On many accounts she tells me or Spousal Unit things in the name of "we care" when if fact my own mother had no knowledge of it. She calls me fat and lazy, both to my face and then to Spousal Unit. She calls my oldest son names and tells him he's a SISSY. She hates my youngest son for reasons she states "because his mother babies him." She tells my husband to get another wife - a pretty little wife. She is passive aggressive as hell and stupid as a rock. On and on, too many to remember. It occurs to me that these stories of true events would make the most vicious and evil person recoil in horror. Steadily yet swiftly my anger level rises to the point that I am crying, yelling, shaking and spewing any mean thing I could think of to his family. After about 20 minutes of this I collect myself and resign myself to the fact that nothing good comes from my feelings of anger and rage.

"Short of boiling the ocean, I don't know how to make this any easier, but the fact is... we have kids. Unless your family is willing to communicate in more effective (and more pleasing) ways, I cannot allow the cycle of hurt to continue for my kids." Again, he nods and tells me to rest assured, that he is with us.. not his family and will take appropriate steps both now, and in the future to see that the hurtful stuff doesn't happen again. Where I should be feeling relief, I instead feel sadness. My dream of having my kids have both set's of grandparents to lean on as they grow is now partially broken as my kids in fact only have one reliable set now. Sob sob sob, I know.. this is far from the worst thing in the world.. and we'll all be the better for it. But, there's something to be said for a dream that will never be realized.

So here I am at the beginning of a new year and along with the other things I would like to accomplish one of my primary goals is to not let Spousal Unit's family hurt the things I love anymore. Including myself.

Happy New Year

2004-01-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

I am now officially down 7 lbs, 9 inches and 1.5% body fat %. Here's hoping the trend continues. :-) Yay me!!!!

2003-12-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

note to self: Get the new Joss Stone cd.
this 16 year old has a set of pipes.... dang

2003-12-30T17:18:00.000-07:00

Tortured Souls Unite!!!

2003-12-27T22:48:00.000-07:00

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Schizoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Schizotypal	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Antisocial	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Borderline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Narcissistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Dependent	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Obsessive-Compulsive	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test

2003-12-23T15:49:00.000-07:00

In browsing some news articles and other blog sources I found the following topic to be quite interesting.

A recent study shows that the touching of food causes a person to reap the caloric benefits of it. Yes, it is true. All you gals out there who are using mayonnaise on your hair to make it shiny and bouncy, and who have noticed a strange correlation in an increase of lbs, take note: the mayonnaise molecules actually enter the bloodstream through your scalp, and are thus digested as if they entered your body via the normal gastric channels.

Research also shows that the mere handling of food with hands has the same effect. And those really creative and original types who enjoy whipped cream, strawberries and chocolate sauce in the bedroom should be advised that those calories are absorbed as well. Just because it's only smeared or drizzled onto body parts as a way to gain sexual pleasure doesn't mean those parts, among others, won't gain in other more significant and permanent ways.

Enjoy!

A "hefty" Request

2003-12-22T15:23:00.000-07:00

With money in hand I set out to get some clothes to replace my usual attire of blue jeans and t-shirts. I stop at Sears where I usually have good luck. The store was newly remodeled so all the merchandise was in different places. I find the "womans' department nestled in a corner at the very back of the store. I wander over and gaze at the few racks of "womans" apparel. Most of the shirts had hideous horizontal stripes or terrifying grandma'ish patterns. PEOPLE, we're in the "womans" department. Anyone shopping in the "womans" department does NOT need to be wearing horizontal stripes. I pick up a pair of pants that I think is my size and head to the fitting room. As I shimmy and shake the pants barely budge over my thighs. Frusterated I conclude the pants must have been mismarked. Right in time, the salesperson asked if I needed any help. I ask her for the "correct size XX" where she replies, ma'am I think you need a XX 'W'. %$?!! Um, so what's the difference between a size XX and the same size XX but with a W? "W stands for Wide Ma'am." Isn't that just f***ing lovely!!

Needless to say, I didn't find anything at Sears so off to Dillards. Up the escalator and to the right in the back corner (gee, see a trend?) is the "womans" department. I am greeted by a lovely older woman with an accent telling me of "awesome sales" and credit card offers. Eventually the lady leaves me alone and I start fingering the racks of designer clothes. I grab my size (but this time with a W) and head to the fitting room. Again, after I shimmy and shake I realize the pants just do not fit. Now, I get that I have the tendancy to go up and down with my weight but this is getting REDICULOUS ALREADY. In a huff, I put back on my old shabby clothes and return the pants to the rack. The lady with accent asks me "How did they work out?" I tell her "they seemed a bit small." She states "Yes, Lauren and Hilfiger 'womans' sizes are typicall smaller than other designers manufacturing "womans" clothes." WTF??? Are designer fat woman smaller than Target brand fat woman?

I agressivly look through each rack and again notice the horizontal stripes and the sizes versus sizes with a W. Just accross the isle I see the "petite" section. I swear the stores do this to taunt the "woman" of America. With the cutsie little tops and barely there bottoms I start feeling nauseated and decide to call it a day - empty handed and quite irritated.

I have a few suggestions to the clothing makers for us "woman."
1. Lay off the paisley
2. Leave the stripes for zebra's
3. Get your sizes right... An 18 is an 18 is an 18 ok?
4. Drop the W, we get the point alright??
5. The back corner of any given store should not automatically be labled as the "womans" department. We "woman" don't take up THAT much room that we couldn't be placed on the side or even in the middle of the store.
6."Womans" sizes shouldn't give you the go ahead to mark up clothing an extra 15% of standard sizes.
7. Color? Please?
8. It seems the fabric it takes to cover our wide middles is in such excess you have to sacrifice the bottom of the legs. Please figure out larger woman also have full length legs.
9. Larger woman typically don't want to compensate for their low self esteem by wearing GOLD. NO GOLD CLOTHES.
10. 99.9% of "woman" get that we do not belong in leather. Quit insulting us with boat sized leather skirts and sexy tent like leopard tank tops.

2003-12-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

I have $233.00 in gift certificates that I found in my purse while cleaning it out just now. Now granted, some of these are upcoming Christmas gifts, but I was shocked to realize I essentially have money just waiting to be spent. I think I'll get the most bang for my buck on after holiday specials. Time for a shopping spree.. CHARGE!!!!

Olive Garden
Bookmans
Park Place Mall
Twice as Nice
Metro Restaurants
Target
McDonalds

2003-12-20T07:24:00.000-07:00

I awoke feeling a bit uneasy. As I lay there, I bring to mind the two dreams I had last night.

The first (and longest) was about me and POOP. Yes, the fecal matter of humans and animals. I don't know why but I had to clean up and then move a large pile of poop from one area to another (in the same house/building).

The second was sometime after 3am and this one was most disturbing. It was about me dealing with feelings of insecurity over certain issues with some members of my family. I was being made fun of, teased and not regarded for my feelings. I awoke feeling slightly panicked, pretty sad and hopeless as well.

Any dream interpreters out there that want to take a stab at these?

Happy Saturday Folks, sure hope yours starts out on a better note than mine.

2003-12-19T19:27:00.000-07:00

Good grief it just doesn't get any better than this! (but I do hope with pleading eyes and clenched fists it will.)

2003-12-17T22:56:00.000-07:00

who'd have thought that I would one day spend hours upon hours on this thing called 'computer' and actually like (read: love) it..... wow, how times have changed. See ya prom queen, hello computer geeks.

Let the drugged chick talk already

2003-12-17T22:23:00.000-07:00

Today is the kind of day......

1.to talk to the big purple whale (the whale I only see on many mg's of prescription drugs)
2.that you want a really good friend to have around just so you can talk nonsense all while crying and swearing like a maniac
3.that makes you laugh out of sheer insanity
4.that makes you cry out of sheer insanity
5.where you want to spend all day in a comfy bed wearing comfy clothes
6.where I spend copious amounts of time daydreaming - and drooling (but not because of the daydream I might add)
7.it doesn't seem so far off that I could in fact go to Rome and live a happy life under the alias 'Francesca Rosa Scianti' (what? if I dyed my hair black and grew it long again, no one would suspect a thing)
8.you fall in love, awwww
9.you fall out of love, ewwww
10. to eat large amounts of food in front of the television watching sappy old movies

*******************************************************************

Good: Hearing an annoying POP each time you open your mouth
Better: Hearing a CRACK while yawning
Best: Being told you have a jaw disorder and will be required to wear what looks like a childs retainer for an undetermined amount of time

Good: Making a wonderful friend
Better: Watching that friend become an integral part in your life
Best: Realizing what you thought you had, is something you in fact probably never had

Good: Having a houseful of well behaved children
Better: Having any children around while in large amounts of pain
Best: Hearing the shriek of a youngster as a tooth get's punched out of his beautiful little head

Good: Hearing the latest in the "bitch about Krista" file from my spousal unit's mother
Better: A surprise visit from the wicked sister in law to be
Best: Oops, "Hey, I almost forgot, my whole family is going with us to pick up great grandmother on Friday"

********************************************************************

and for the grand finale.....
Q - What do Michael Jackson and Saddam have in common?
A - They were both caught 'in a hole'

Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen... Goodnight

2003-12-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

I no longer need to understand it.....

2003-12-16T09:10:00.000-07:00

It was just over a year ago.

It was a hot summer day and I found myself in a Dr's office awaiting news of my Godson's fate. As the doctor came in, he made no effort to look anyone in the eye. I knew then.. this would not be good news. "I'm sorry Ms. B, your son has a terminal illness and is expected to live not longer than 1 year from now." Disbelief, panic, grief and incredible anger overtook this woman as she hears the words "your son will die." A bit of an outsider, she turns to me (the only friend she had at the time) as if to say "translate this... what am I missing? This cannot be true." I walk over to her and hug her... she melted into my arms. I was something of a confidant to her... a security blanket she took places when she was scared. We cried. We cried so much.

Over the next few months.. this sweet boy fought typical illness's and overcame the challenge of feeding tube insertion right around the time of his fourth birthday. Long ago he stopped saying the half a dozen words he once was able to say. Long ago he stopped walking from the couch to his momma. Yet, he never forgot how to smile... and how to reach up and touch your face with his crippling hands.

On Halloween 2002 my beloved Godson came to my house dressed as a frog, complete with a green painted face. We all knew this would be the very last Halloween for this boy. With his limp body strapped to a wheelchair we went house to house along with my two sons and B's small brother. As with everything, B simply smiled. Grateful for our efforts.

I have to tell you... through this hardship B's mom was not a favorite on anyone's list and that was from long before she had her children. Trying to manage to her needs, B's needs and my own family's needs and "complaints" was something of a task worthy of prizes and awards. I tell you... in a time of grief, people can still be so self centered. I vowed to this little angel that I would NOT leave him, that I would do anything I could to help him and his mommy (dad was absent for the most part). And so, for better and worse.. I was there.

November came. B was so pale, so frail. I saw him nearly every day and when I didn't, I phoned several times a day. I prayed, I cried, I hurt.. but all in silence. I'd go over to their house and would relieve mom of "duty" so I would cook, clean, watch his 1 year old brother and tend to B's medical needs. I would hold him and talk to him, telling him of angels eager to hold him. Also... at this time we went "shopping" for an in home hospice facility. I was by his mothers side as she signed orders " DNR - Do Not resuscitate," As a mother, as a woman, I cried. At a certain point all the tears became cumulative I suppose. We made plans for Thanksgiving.

Before Thanksgiving came.. I got a phone call at work. "B is not breathing well, come over.. I need you to be here." I hurried over there. B was breathing only 4-8 times per minute. I called home to make arrangements for my family to handle their own until this ordeal was over. Hours passed and visitors came. Eventually the room contained B, his mom, myself, B's paternal Aunt, a friend of the family and eventually B's dad. We sat there for hours. Watching. Analyzing. Praying. B started to throw up blood, his mom screamed, I thought this was it. It wasn't. Not yet. I finally left the sleeping group at 5am. I came home paralyzed - unable to do anything but stare out my window.

Oddly enough, B hung in there another two days. I was at home and I got a frantic call. B's mom yells into the phone "GET OVER HERE, HE's DYING NOW".... I drove as fast as I could, pulled up and witnessed his father shaking and leaning on his car outside. I rush over and hug him.... he cries and tells me to get in the house as "A" needs me. I ran inside fearing it was over... as I enter the room "A" throws a stethoscope at me and asks me if he's dead. I place the cold surface on his tiny chest and hear a faint heartbeat... "no honey, not yet".. I pick him up and held him at the exact moment he gasps loudly his very last breath. "He's gone sweetie" I tell her. She screams so loud it frightens me. I lay her child down and run to hold her. We both collapsed as the father came in quietly. There sits the three of us crying as we've never cried before.

I leave the two parents alone with their son. I pull myself together and proceed as previously planned with my action items. I made phone calls to doctors, friends, medical equipment stores and family. Within a few minutes other family began to show. I busied myself with removing all medical items (as planned) and notified the hospice organization. Within 15 minutes B was declared officially dead. After four hours of visits, tears, cleaning and organizing I called the mortuary to pick up his body. I will never forget for as long as I live watching B's grandfather carrying out his lifeless body in the cold night air to a black van awaiting him. The two men were kind... they shook my hand and offered condolences to the family. After B was placed on the long metal rolling table, the two men covered him and rolled him into the sterile van. At that moment, it became final for me. B was gone.

I left shortly after to leave the family alone but I did not go home. I went to a place that I've gone for years so I could freely cry. Here I reflected on his bravery, his smile, his courage, and his ability to bring people together in a situation where that was almost impossible before. Almost 4 years ago I vowed to love and protect this child in a ceremony declaring me his Godmother. I pray I was able to uphold that vow to him.. his mother... and God.

A few days later, and one day before Thanksgiving the funeral was held. The service was lovely, the memorial was nice, and Thanksgiving seemed to hold a special "thank you lord" for my family. So here I am over a year later and I look back to this time... Grateful for the experience, blessed by the love, and humbled by life.

Still loving you B....

2003-12-11T16:43:00.000-07:00

Against my better judgment I watched this last night.
Questions/Observations:

Did anyone think it was odd that Charlie (the runner up to Trista's heart) was co hosting the blessed event? Also, Bob and Isella from the recent Bachelor show were there.(Bob again being a close runner up for Trista's hand in marriage) Ten bucks says there were no old flames of ole Ryan's nearby.

What was with the sand art? I had a unity candle at my wedding, but a unity sand cylinder?

What's up with the "kiss the bride" moment. It was totally rehearsed - and I do mean literally - at the rehearsal the day before. Like that little hop into Ryan's arms would look spontaneous after we just saw her practice it 10 minutes before.

What was with having all those other reality show stars at the wedding? I could have sworn I saw the chick from For Love or Money with her latest beau.

The professional wedding planner states "this is not going to be a production, it will be as though the camera's are not even here." Really? Cause, damn... I don't remember having to take a break from the vows for a 'word from our sponsor.'

I must admit...it was a nice touch to zoom in on the resort name as a way to promote themselves.

Eh... I walked away from that show feeling sooooo blah. The wedding itself was nothing short of breathtaking and yet....it just lacked.

2003-12-10T16:16:00.000-07:00

Reasons......kinda

Just try it, you'll like it

Everyone else does it

You'll be sorry if you don't

Because I said so

Don't make me come over there and smack you

You're not scared are you?

C'mon c'mon, pleeeease

2003-12-10T16:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Manners,

My question for you is... Do the phrases "back the hell off" or "leave me alone you snarling bitch" or perhaps "die you evil witch" maybe even "You'll be sorry you hog humping shrew" fall in the ladylike category? If not, do you have any suggestions on what I could say that would be equally as fitting?

Thanks a bunch!
Sincerely,
Steaming in Tucson

2003-12-09T12:12:00.000-07:00

I've had it!!
I've had it with my intrusive, bitter, foolish, revolting, nauseating, callous, malicious, pitiable, vulgar, tacky and vile in laws. I'm so tired of glossing over this or that totally insane or otherwise ridiculous comment thrown my way. It boils down to one of two things. Either these people are SOOOOO hateful that they take EVERY opportunity to pummel me with hurtful remarks... OR.... they are in fact, THAT stupid. Examples? New to the "I cannot believe I just heard that" file, I share with you an example or two.

Example one:
Wench says "Oh, is that a picture from your wedding?" I nod and hand her the photo. She states (in front of a room full of people) "Wow, you were so pretty back then. What size did you say your wedding dress was?" (this is the sort of gal who deprives you of your privacy without providing any company)

Example two:
Also in reference to my wedding photos the Wench states "This doesn't even look like you." ( I have not the words)

Example three:
At a lovely family dinner (NOT) the unhinged mother figure of my spousal unit decides to come at me with a few hidden treasures of her own. I am asked by Wench what a normal baby feeding schedule is and the unhinged mother figure decides to blast me with "What the EFF are you asking her for? It's not like SHE'S running for mother of the year." (now wasn't that about as subtle as a pneumatic drill?)

Example four:
The last treasure for today includes a conversation about my 6 year old son (the beautiful thing that he is) being FAT. No.. I did not say overweight, or out of shape. With my son sitting no more than 2 feet away, she blurts out "XXXX (childs name withheld for privacy reasons) is FAT just like his father." (sigh, for those of you who don't know of my spousal unit - he's got a body that men spend hours in the gym for)

In conclusion I would like to say....There's nothing wrong with these people that trying to reason with them doesn't make worse. I'm done, finished, finito, over it, washed my hands of, and just plain tired of this crap. No more.

2003-12-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Panic, Doubt and Sadness,

Thanks for wanting to hang out today, but in the future you really should wait until you are asked to come over before you arrive at my doorstep. This applies to you too Doubt. Sadness, I thought we agreed that we wouldn't take our relationship any further. Go on, be on your way now. I don't want to have this conversation with you three again.

Respectfully yours,
Krista

2003-12-02T16:46:00.000-07:00

tell me something.. why do pants get shorter after you've had them for a while? I swear.. at the mall, these pants look good, now it looks like I'm preparing for a flood.

2003-12-02T16:38:00.000-07:00

My Idiosyncrasies

1. my ability to be random - very random
2. the fact that i cannot tolerate someone scraping their teeth on a metal fork or spoon
3. i hate velvet and velour anything
4. crunching on ice is about the most annoying thing you can do
5. my love of bathing - borderline obsessive
6. shoes. don't take off your shoes and then line them up in a cute little row on the floor. It freaks me out.
7. the fact that i love any tomato product, but really hate tomatoes themselves
8. heat (temperature) will drive me more psychotic than LSD
9. my inability to relax
10. my deep fear of toilets - this one's a biggie
11. my inability to drink alcohol
12. knee/foot/ twitching-shaking
13. my hatred of gold shoes
14. high pitched noises send me over the top

Oh I'm sure there are many many more.. but these have surfaced in one way or another over the past 4 days.

What are some of your pet peeves?

2003-12-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

An American woman has been left with a British accent after having a stroke

2003-12-01T19:23:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking...

2003-11-27T14:16:00.000-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving friends and family!!
Today I am really sick, coughing every 3 second (yes I timed it during the 4am hour this morning) and my muscles are aching badly, my nose is drippy and stuffy all at the same time, and my ears continue to pop and clog all day long. I am now addicted to the NyQuil/Ibuprofen/Tylenol/Halls Cough Drops therapy. I drag myself off of the couch to get a shower and get dressed (still not convinced that I belong anywhere other than the comfort and privacy of my own home). I arrive a short while later over at my family's house - kids and husband in tow. As we sit down to dinner my son says "Mommy, we have to all say one thing we are thankful for." Yikes, he's right.. this is a tradition we've done every single year and in my sniffles and wheezing I almost forgot. My son starts off by saying he is thankful for Thanksgiving. Tyler was not thankful for anything at the moment (being quite the brat today). Husband is thankful for family (who knew?). I am thankful for opportunities. My Brother is thankful for his familiy being together and just being here. My mom is thankful for family. Finally, my dad is thankful to be alive. JOLT... Here I am feeling sorry for myself having to be sick on Thanksgiving and my dad is thankful to even be alive. As many of you know, there were a few times over the past year (or two) that his life was in some serious question. I bow my head and utter a silent "thank you God" for this dinner, my family, and life.

The dinner was superb. There is just nothing like my mom's Thanksgiving Dinner. Through the watery eyes, and scratchy throat I am counting my blessings and indeed, greatful for soooo many awaiting opportunities.

God Bless... Shanti